What does confidence really mean?

Most people tend to believe that true confidence is something you have all the time. The other thing they often believe is that confidence is the same as having a positive self-image. A positive self-image can, however, get in the way of genuine confidence.

Self image is a series of stories we tell ourselves about ourselves and then re-tell to everyone we meet. These stories are not invented. Although we also tell ourselves negative stories, in the context of positive self-image and confidence they tend to be re-arranged memories that generally make us feel good about ourselves, make us feel confident or give us a sense of who we are. This type of confidence is fragile because it is not based on a solid foundation. In fact, it's this kind of so-called confidence that causes us to project a certain image which excludes a large number of genuine responses to people and life in general such as uncertainty, vulnerability, sadness and even appropriate anger.

It is generally assumed that confident people are always positive so, instead of making us feel solid inside, it makes us feel burdened to keep up this image in case other people think we're not confident after all!

The other problem with self image is that any information or clue that life sends us that does not fit our story is filtered out: it literally is not allowed to penetrate our awareness.

Why should this be a problem? It is a problem because our self-image can exclude important information, information that could make us whole by including not only the things that "we would like to believe we are" but also those aspects of ourselves that we regard as unacceptable and which we often don't allow ourselves to even notice, never mind accept.

As uncomfortable as it may feel to face the truth (and the whole truth) about ourselves, dealing with and accepting our negative traits is the only way we can move towards becoming genuinely confident.

Accepting our flaws has two huge benefits:

• It makes us less judgemental, and more tolerant and compassionate.

• It creates in us a solid sense of confidence that enables us to withstand unexpected and unwanted life events without being blown off course such as rejection or redundancy.

Learning to become truly confident is a gradual process but one which is intensely rewarding. To start your journey it would be useful to keep a journal of everything you notice along the way, such as new insights and resistances to change. Struggling and resisting are natural when we're feeling vulnerable. Don't fight it; just notice, reflect on what you notice and record it. Noticing, reflecting and recording are powerful tools that make change possible.