What is 'non-love' and how does it impact on your life?

The first time I heard the term non-love was about five years ago. The context, at the time, was limited to a particular person and to a particular situation. The situation was simple. I had been calling my Mum every single day for over ten years. It was an expectation I had put on myself after my Dad died that this is what I should do. After so many years it became one of those habits that remained unquestioned but, because of changes in my circumstances, eventually became a chore and, from there, it was a small step towards creating resentment.

With the help of Alan, my life coach, I eventually reached the point where I realized that I needed to face the situation because the resentment was getting in the way of my love for her. And then he said, 'if she tries to manipulate you and make you feel guilty then that is not love, it is non-love.'

I was flooded with instant clarity. From feeling anxious about the coming confrontation (as I saw it) I now felt completely calm. I felt calm because I suddenly saw in a way I had never seen before that love is a beacon of light, instantly recognizable while non-love is everything that love is not - control, manipulation, attempts to make a person feel guilty or just bad about themselves.

I did talk with my Mum - and it wasn't a confrontation. What it was, with the benefit of hindsight, was the beginning of a process that fundamentally changed our relationship where the elements of grudging duty gave way to the genuine love and affection that had always been there but nearly swamped with resentment.

Afterwards, I began to examine this term, non-love, both in the context of my own life and in the context of other people's. I began to see how non-love impacts on every aspect of our life. I began to see that it describes very vividly how we treat ourselves and others as well as the way we allow others to treat us.

Put briefly, non-love is the flip side of making friends with ourselves and, until we recognize the many ways we treat ourselves non-lovingly, there is no way we can make friends with ourselves. There is a serious consequence to not being friends with ourselves and that is that we cannot be genuine friends to others. Our relationships with others are shaped by our relationship with ourselves.

Non-loving behaviours stem from non-loving and limiting beliefs and thoughts that cause us pain and keep us at a distance from others. They cause us to be intolerant, impatient, unkind and judgmental because that's how we are with ourselves. If you doubt this statement then think back of the last time - half an hour ago? - where you beat yourself up for not measuring up, for being stupid, for messing up - again - and for just not being good enough.

And there's more. Non-loving ways of treating ourselves include pretending to feel all right when we don't so others don't feel uncomfortable, ignoring our inner voice and our intuitions, putting others ahead of our own needs and tolerating unacceptable behaviour.
Acting non-lovingly towards others includes trying to change them, being critical of them, and trying to control and manipulate them. Acting non-lovingly towards ourselves is to allow others to treat us in similar ways.

One big clue as to whether we like ourselves or not is the extent to which we need others to like and accept us, and the extent to which we try to make ourselves acceptable to others - at whatever the cost to ourselves.

Making friends with ourselves is a process that leads us towards genuinely getting to like ourselves as we really are and not some socially acceptable version of how we think we should be or even how we believe other people would like us to be - the operative word being 'believe'. Sometimes that belief is based on fact and sometimes it isn't. That is why the process takes courage and persistence but the rewards are enormous.

We need to get to know, accept and integrate - by which I mean make part of ourselves - all the characteristics in us that we consider unacceptable. Much of that is unconscious because we often cannot bear to even consider that some so-called unacceptable qualities might belong to us instead of all the other people we've been projecting them onto. 'Selfish? Not me! Never!' 'Dishonest? Impossible! That's them!' 'Impatient? No way! I'm the picture of patience and kindness!'

Learning to acknowledge and accept all aspects of ourselves can have a fundamental impact on our own self-perception and the way we perceive others. Once we see the whole of ourselves and not just the bits and pieces that we consider acceptable, we will be able to accept our own humanity and, from there, it's a small step towards accepting the humanity of others.

Integrating the things we like about ourselves as well as those we regard as negative will help us develop tolerance, patience, kindness and a non-judgmental approach both towards ourselves and others. How can we judge other people's flaws when we're flawed ourselves?
Self-acceptance is only the first step. Next comes actively making friends with ourselves. How do we do that? I suggest you make a start by examining the following areas:

• Do you know what is really important to you - and do you feel free to express it?
• How exactly do you put others ahead of your own needs and then feel taken for granted and resentful?
• Do you make choices that are in your own best interests - which I define as choices that affect your physical, emotional and spiritual well-being, and peace of mind? And when do you not?
• Do you allow others to know what's best for you?
• Do you allow others to act in ways that hurt, upset or offend you for fear of appearing to be a 'wet blanket' - or do you set boundaries?

Once you engage in this exploration, you will notice more questions coming up and you will find that you are getting to know yourself better and better.

There is little more exhilarating or transformational than engaging in this process - irrespective of what stage you are in your life. The more you get to like yourself the more you will attract like-minded and like-hearted people, people like yourself, who no longer need to resort to manipulation and control to get what they want. They simply ask for what they need knowing that they might get it - or they might not.

If you don't get what you want you will have began to learn to trust yourself enough to know that you can handle it. The important thing is to ask because I guarantee you that when you ask for what you want and need you will get more than you ever dreamed possible.