Am I Lying to Myself ?

Like me, you probably grew up believing that telling the truth is something we tell another person when in reality there is only one person we actually need to tell the truth to and that is - ourselves.

This idea may be new to you, perhaps even unsettling but it is one certainly worth exploring. What does it actually mean to tell the truth?

A good place to start is to ask yourself, "Am I lying to myself?" This may sound controversial but we lie to ourselves all the time. In my younger days most of my self deceptions revolved around my self image and the way I needed to perceive myself. Every time I opened my mouth and started a sentence with 'I like to think I am (honest, truthful, reliable, loving, a good friend' or whatever), that was my way of trying to look good to myself.

The idea of seeing myself clearly and tell myself the truth about what I really believed, felt and thought, and the motives behind whatever it was I did, was absolutely alien to me. Whenever something went wrong in a relationship, I tended to pretend to myself that I was 'the innocent bystander'. I was always the picture of reasonableness, politeness, understanding and patience while the other person was invariably unreasonable, rude, aggressive and not to be trusted, i.e. the total opposite of me.

Eventually I came to see that this self-protective device caused me distance myself from you, caused me to judge you and find you lacking. No wonder my relationships lacked authenticity. How could it be otherwise when I was false myself?

Those were not the only lies I told myself.

I genuinely believed that to tell someone how I really felt, for example, sad, angry, unhappy, offended or disappointed would upset them or hurt their own feelings and I'd go to any length not to, as I saw it, rock the boat. What if they didn't want to be friends with me anymore if I told them how I really felt? I just didn't dare to take the risk.

The cost of my self-deceptions to myself and my relationships was high. I felt resentful most of the time, unheard, misunderstood and unloved. My relationships were superficial and unfulfilling and, generally speaking, my life felt lonely.

This is bad enough but it gets worse. At the other end of the continuum are even more serious lies we tell ourselves. Pretending that something doesn't matter when it does, pretending we feel one thing when we feel another, lies that feed our (unproven and/or unrealistic) fears which keep us paralyzed and stuck - in a job, in a relationship or in a situation, or unproven assumptions about how other people may or may not feel, all cause us to create distance between us.

When we lie to ourselves telling ourselves that we are just being thoughtful and don't want to worry our nearest and dearest by telling them how we really feel, when we tell ourselves that things are not so bad and that trying to change anything would just make things worse, those are serious lies - lies that damage our happiness, our health, our peace of mind and our well-being.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who used to dress up my self-deceptions by telling myself that I'm just being reasonable or realistic or thoughtful or (you fill in whatever adjective gives you the most comfort). If you recognize the trap, how do you dig yourself out of it?

In my case, every once in a while I ask myself, "am I lying to myself?" and then continue with a willingness to notice my inner dialogue.

You can start by noticing your inner dialogue too. What do you tell yourself when you feel sad? Are you OK feeling sad or do you tell yourself that it doesn't really matter? What do you tell yourself when you feel resentful? Do you tell yourself you're just being silly?

You notice you really hate your job. Do you tell yourself that you have to be responsible because you have a mortgage to pay?
Do you notice the excuses you tell yourself about why you should not share with a friend how you are really feeling?

Every time you start noticing and challenging your false beliefs you will feel anxiety. That's all right. It's part of the process. Stay with it. Part of the anxiety will stem from the fact that you no longer have an excuse for not taking responsibility for that situation, that relationship, your life. This insight is huge. No wonder you feel anxious.

Start a journal. Start listening to yourself and start exploring what really matters to you. Until you notice, there's nothing you can do to change your life experience. But remember, be patient and gentle with yourself.

I discovered - and so will you if you let yourself - that authenticity breeds genuine relationships, not only with others but primarily with myself. You will find that being truthful with yourself will help you deepen many of your current relationships and make new friends - just as open-hearted and open-minded as yourself. When you open yourself to the truth you will find that, best of all, you never need feel alone.

Learning to tell the truth to yourself is the start of a major process - challenging, exciting, scary and incredibly rewarding.

If you want to know more about coaching, please click here to send me a message or call me on my mobile 07903 795027