Anger - How to Express it Safely

When I was newly married my husband an I had a huge row. I became so enraged that I grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him so hard that his head accidentally hit the wall. I was so shocked by the violence I felt lurking inside of me that I swore to never, ever express anger again - a promise I kept for more than 30 years.

In that time I started working with Alan, my life coach, and gradually, old suppressed feelings began to make their way to the surface.

One day, following an argument with a work colleague that hadn't been fully resolved I felt suddenly overwhelmed with such rage that my body could barely hold it. I realised that there was no connection with my colleague so I couldn't understand what was happening.

Not knowing what else to do, I called Alan. He asked "If you did know what the rage was about, what would you say?" Without thinking I exclaimed "Stop hurting me!" I was shaken to the core at what had just come out of my mouth and, to make matters worse, I had no idea who was supposed to be hurting me.

It was several years later that I came to the conclusion that it was Jim, my ex-husband, who was hurting me but later still I recognised that it was me - I was the one who had been hurting me by accepting the unacceptable without drawing the line.

Meanwhile, that day my body was still in distress from all the adrenaline sloshing about in my body. As an emergency measure I found a park to run in until the worst of my energy was spent.

In subsequent sessions Alan explained that rage is an accumulation of years of unexpressed irritation, resentment and anger. The rage had finally erupted because I had kept it all inside. He further explained that sometimes anger needs to be expressed to clarify issues and clear the air but it needs to be done in a way that doesn't destroy the relationship.

Here are some approaches that I have used over the years:

• Own your feelings. You might say something along the lines 'I'm angry because...' You might want to add what it is you need or want.
• If the emotion threatens to overwhelm you, a safe approach for both of you might be to say 'I'm feeling really angry. I need to take some time out and gather myself together. I don't want to say something we'll both regret.'
• Then do whatever you need to calm yourself - take a walk, do some deep breathing or a 5 minute meditation.
• When you feel ready make sure you deal with the issue in a calm way which includes carefully listening to the other person. Shouting over each other only makes the situation worse.
• Say clearly why you feel angry and what you want - as opposed to what you don't want.

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