Why do we feel lonely?

Many people tend to believe that being alone is the same as feeling lonely. It is not. Being alone can be a re-energising and fulfilling experience. Feeling lonely is intensely painful. We feel no-one cares about us, that no-one would notice if we're dead or alive. The worst is the feeling that we have so much love to give and no-one to give it to. This kind of loneliness is, to my mind, equivalent to being in hell.

Many people who feel lonely often blame others for not calling or visiting them, if only occasionally.

My own experience of loneliness taught me a lot about myself. I began to notice that I would never call a friend when I was going through a rough time. In fact, I never called anyone other than to arrange for us to meet for a bite and a catching up session. These get-togethers tended to happen about every 4-6 weeks.

I also started to notice a deep resistance in me when I wondered whether I might call a friend just for a chat. I would then feel overwhelmed with thoughts such as "I don't want to bore them", "they're probably too busy", "I don't want them to think I'm needy and demanding", "I'm sure they've got enough on their plate without me adding to their problems" and many other thoughts along similar lines. Next, I would think "actually, my problem isn't such a big deal and, anyway, I can handle it" and, before I knew it, I would continue to keep my friends at arm's length; I continued to isolate myself from other people and continued to make myself feel lonely without realising that I was creating the very loneliness and isolation that I so bitterly resented and blamed others for.

What was even worse was that, unintentionally, because I kept projecting an image of being strong and in control, I discouraged other people from sharing their own burdens so now we probably both felt lonely.

This is what I learned about why do we feel lonely and how to change things around and out of this hell:

• Start listening to your inner dialogue. What do you tell yourself that contributes to making yourself lonely? øøOur thoughts are driven by our beliefs and expectations. How do you expect you should be? Strong? In control? What does 'being strong' mean to you? How do you expect other people should be? øøKeep a journal of the things you notice - your thoughts, your feelings, your bodily sensations (for example, we tend to feel slightly sick when we feel anxious or get a headache when we feel stressed or under pressure.) Then take the next step:

• Take a risk. Call a friend when you're feeling down and share with them what's going on with you. Then see what happens. Give them and yourself a chance.

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