How to Change My Life

My own journey started when I finally decided that I was no longer prepared to live a life of sadness and loneliness, feeling unloved and resentful. I started this journey because, although I knew that what I was doing wasn't working, I didn't know what else to do so kept doing more of the same.

I finally reached a stage where I surrendered to the possibility that there might be another way. That was the moment when my journey actually began. I was determined to do something and, even though I didn't know exactly how to change my life, there was one thing I knew I had to do: I had to let go of the belief that I would be happy when "they" changed. That applied especially to my ex husband who I regarded as the cause of my unhappiness. Over time I began to see how I myself contributed to that unhappiness.

When I first met Alan, my life coach, he told me, "when you change, your whole life will change". He was absolutely right. As I began to change, so did my relationships, the kinds of people I attracted into my life, how I earned my living, where and how I live, and my spirituality has progressively become stronger.

Although I understood that, if I was to learn how to change my life, I had to change myself first I kept struggling and resisting, partly because I was terrified of surrender and what I saw as loss of control and partly because I hated having to admit how I was, to some extent, responsible for creating the life I insisted I did not want. I would tell myself and everybody else what I wanted (love and fulfilment) and then do everything to create just the opposite.

In the end I had no option but to accept that I could not change anybody, especially because they didn't see the need to change and, since I was the one who was unhappy with my life as it was then, that only left myself. This was both scary and hugely empowering.

As I discovered, the process of change starts when you begin to notice, reflecting and reality checking. Notice what? Notice your thoughts and how they make you feel; notice your feelings and how they make you act. Notice people's responses to what you say and do, and how these responses cause you to react and respond.

Notice the sensations in your body: do you feel slightly nauseous? (are you feeling anxious?); is your jaw tight? (are you feeling angry?); do your neck and shoulders feel stiff and achey? (are you feeling stressed?). Start a journal and record everything that you notice, think, feel and experience.

But, just as I realized when I learned how to change my life, before you can change anything you need to work out where you are right now, what is working for you and what is not, so I invite you to ask yourself the following question:

Where am I now in my life?

Take your time. You don't have to complete this exercise all at once. Sometimes it is useful to ask yourself the question and then just let it simmer for a while at the back of your mind. Keep your journal handy. You don't know when an important thought, feeling or insight will come up.

Here is a tool you might find helpful. It is called "The Wheel of Life". Take a sheet size A4 and draw a large circle. Divide the circle into eight segments and begin by labeling each segment with the most important areas of your life, e.g. family, friends, romantic love/life partner, work, health and well-being, finances, spirituality, learning and personal growth. These are mine. What are yours?

Choosing the labels is just as important as filling them in. When you are ready to fill them in shadow each segment according to how satisfied and fulfilled you are. If you feel a very happy with that particular aspect of your life, fill that segment all the way up to the brim. If you're less satisfied then stay close to the hub.

It doesn't matter how long you take over this exercise. What really matters is that you be truthful with yourself.

Now take a look at the shape of your wheel. Spend some time reflecting about what this information means to you and record your thoughts, feelings and insights in your journal.

Your completed "Wheel of Life" can be a useful tool that can help you create a compelling future. So the next question I would like you to think about is this:

In what ways would I like my life to be different? (imagine the future)

• How would you like your future to look like, feel like, sound like?

• What is your vision, your purpose? What would you be doing? Who would you be doing it with? How would it feel?

With both these exercises you may find that the responses you come up with surprise, perhaps even shock you or cause you anxiety. You may notice that, even though these exercises are strictly private and personal, you are still tempted to censor yourself.

You may find that, somewhere deep inside of you, you believe that it is not all right to feel as you feel or to long for the things that you long for. You may worry about other people and, even if that is appropriate (for example if you have a partner, children or elderly parents) please set all these thoughts aside for the time being. They will be part of your reflections when you consider your options. But this is for much later.

The answers to these two questions are really important because, as you reach a certain point in your reflections, you can look back and check out two things:

• Do I have the tools to make better life choices and am I willing to use them?

• Are my answers still valid or have they changed? And, if so, how?

You're now ready to make a start and the first step is to take responsibility. Taking responsibility is hugely empowering. It means that you take responsibility for what you think, feel, say and do as well as the consequences of your choices and decisions - instead of blaming yourself, other people or the unfairness of life. This takes time.

Taking responsibility is not about blaming yourself and it is not about guilt. It is about stopping being a victim, a passive and apparently helpless recipient of whatever happens to you. It means no longer blaming other people for whatever is wrong in your life and it allows you to finally reclaim the power to change your own life instead of waiting for other people to change.

Taking responsibility is not about what happens to you but how you react and respond to what happens to you.

Here's an example of what it looks like to take responsibility:

A friend of mine recently met a man and they started going out together. They liked each other but. While he wanted to take the relationship further, she didn't fancy him. After a few of weeks of this the man told her. "I can see there isn't a chance of us having a romance. I need to be with someone who loves me and who I can love".

She knew that she couldn't give him what he needed and they parted company. This is a good example of a man who knew what he wanted and who decided to take responsibility for his own happiness.

Where do you fit in? Do you take responsibility or not? To find out, ask yourself this question:

In what ways have I NOT taken responsibility?

Look at the various areas of your life (the Wheel of Life could help you with this) and reflect on the ways in which you have not taken responsibility, for example,

• When you allowed people to cross the line and upset you without saying anything.

• You feel lonely and blame others for not caring about you.

• you asked someone for something that was important to You asked someone for something that was important to you and then, when nothing changed, you resigned yourself to the fact that there was nothing you could do then felt angry and resentful.

But it's not all doom and gloom. There will have been times when you have actually taken responsibility. Here are some examples:

• You told a friend how you really feel about something without expecting them to respond in any particular way. You did this by saying 'I feel' instead of 'you are (or did)'

• You decided to take responsibility for your own health and well-being, and to take steps to eliminate or reduce unhealthy habits without looking for excuses or making yourself helpless.

• You decided to let go of old expectations and resentments, and accepted that there are things you can't change.

Now ask yourself this question: In the spirit of being empowered, identify the circumstances or relationships where you know you need to take responsibility. This may be include something as subtle as accepting that you can't make another person do something they're unwilling to do. Genuinely accepting it can lift a huge burden from your shoulders and from the shoulders of that person. It can shift resentment, blame, criticism, resistance, and attack and counter-attack.

Next, ask yourself the question:

Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

If it's the latter, then what next? That depends. You might be able to let it go without resentment, you may need to negotiate so you both can live with the outcome and be at peace with it. Or you may decide to leave the relationship. Whatever you choose, while remembering that different choices clearly have different consequences you might also decide that the status quo is no longer an option. That's also what it means to take responsibility.

The previous exercises and keeping a journal will begin to help you to get to know yourself in new ways. Now you need to ask yourself another question:

What do I want to do with what I've discovered?

Perhaps you already put some changes in place or you're beginning to do so, e.g. you might have become aware of personal and professional boundaries that really matter to you. How do you know what things matter to you? The clues are in your feelings, e.g. someone says or does something (or does not say or do something) that cause you to feel angry, upset, offended, hurt or taken for granted. You have gradually become aware what these things are. Even more importantly, you might now be prepared to make a stand when someone crosses the line. Or perhaps this is as far as you're able or willing to go right now and this is absolutely fine. When you're ready, you will. Or you may really want to do more but you feel absolutely stuck. One part of you feels you can't wait to move forward while the other part is holding you back. In my case, the main reason was fear:

• Fear of giving up the familiar.

• fear of the unknown

• fear of upsetting other people

• fear of being perceived as selfish

• fear of people thinking 'who does she think she is!'

There will be many other fears that are specific to your own situation.
There is one other way I stopped myself for a long time from breaking free and it was the most treacherous one of the lot: I used to label my fear not as fear but as being realistic, reasonable and responsible. Being realistic, reasonable and responsible was an important part of my self-image so it took a long time with the help of my life coach to finally see the truth namely that I was being fearful and not realistic, reasonable or responsible, as I liked to think I was.

The reason this one is so treacherous is because it would make me feel good about myself while, at the same time, I didn't have to confront difficult situations or worse, do something about them.

If you feel this applies to you, a useful question to ask yourself is

What Keeps Me Stuck?

We all have our own way to keep ourselves stuck either by scaring ourselves into submission, by deciding the situation is not so bad after all or whatever. What is your way?

Write down all the ways you keep yourself stuck as fast as you can, without thinking too much about it. The thinking part comes later.
Here are some examples of what you might come up with:

• Hopelessness and impotence ('this is how it is and there's nothing I can do to change it').

• False and limiting beliefs.

• Fear that others might disapprove and not like you anymore.

Write it all down and then review the list. How valid are your beliefs? Which ones do you need to keep, review, amend or let go of?

Once you have identified and faced the obstacles you put on your path you may be ready to look at your options. Looking at your options does NOT mean you have to do anything. It only means that you become aware of what they are so you can file them away for future reference so ask yourself:

What Are My Choices?

Choices come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes, the one really important thing is to simply choose. In many cases, what the choice actually is, is not important. Making a choice, any choice, will unstick you because you reclaim your power and this is profoundly liberating.

I do not recommend you make any major decisions straight away unless, of course, you feel genuinely ready to go for it. Feeling fed up is not a reason to make significant changes.

If you have come up with a series of choices but find it difficult to decide which one to go for then choose the smallest one that you believe might have the greatest impact. This is called the 80-20 rule.

Making changes is a process, not an event. The truth is that there is no right or wrong way of going about this - there's only your way. Trust yourself that what you're feeling and what you're experiencing is OK as long as you're being honest with yourself and with the other people in your life who are affected by your changes and shifts - both inner and externally. But, at the end of the day, you have only one option if you want to live life to the full and that is to get out of your comfort zone and reach out for what is possible even if you can't see clearly what that is just yet.

The most important thing to remember is this: be patient and gentle with yourself. Bit by bit, you can go through the process of peeling back the mask you have been wearing for so long, and find out who the real you is, and what you want to do with the rest of your life!

Having come this far is a great beginning and, if you want to know more about coaching, please click here to send me a message or call me on my mobile 07903 795027.