It is, therefore, not surprising that, for most of my adult life, I was not only intent on being all things to all people but I was also terrified of conflict. I was firmly convinced that conflict would mark the death of a relationship; they would walk away from me and I would end up alone.
It was a fear that governed all my relationships. I always put other people's needs and wants ahead of my own. I came to believe that wanting to have my needs met meant I was selfish and, if there was one thing I was not, was selfish. I was also taught never, ever to hurt anyone which I interpreted as not to say or do anything that might hurt, anger or offend anybody. I never even considered that it might not be all right for others to hurt, anger or offend me. To say something meant 'rocking the boat' and that was something I simply couldn't afford.
In my efforts to avoid conflict I would act extra nice, extra loving and cheerful. I believed that expressing what I really felt might be construed as being needy and demanding which, in turn, I interpreted as being a burden and a bore. I dared not even contemplate taking the risk.
Of course, I still ended up hurt or upset or angry but, on top of that, since I also pretended I wasn't, I also felt resentful and it was this resentment that kept gnawing at me and kept my relationships and friendships lukewarm and superficial.
One day I met Alan, the man who became my life coach and, over time, I gradually I learned to set personal boundaries. However, as I recently discovered, setting them is one thing, living by them is quite another.
The day came when a close friend unintentionally acted in a hurtful and thoughtless way. Although I was scared of conflict I needed to tell her how upset I felt and I did. Because she didn't respond I kept feeling worse and worse about the incident. And then, about a week later she called and we had an 'air clearing' conversation.
Afterwards I kept reflecting about conflict and these are the conclusions I came to:
Making my feelings clear was hugely important for me because, had I not done so, I would have felt increasingly resentful and the resentment would have got in the way of our friendship.
But there's more. By expressing my feelings and explaining why I felt as I did was important too because, had I not done so, I would not only have betrayed myself (because my personal boundaries would have been meaningless) but, since she would not have known how her actions affected me she might easily act in a similar way in the future, not only towards me but towards others as well.
Although most of us are scared of conflict I have come to realise that, handled with integrity and care, conflict can not only provide a learning opportunity but also increase closeness and mutual understanding.
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