How to Survive Change

Over the years I learned that change is both an external as well as an internal process. That is true for change that is imposed externally as well as for change that we initiate ourselves. In both cases inner change is required in order to come to terms with it.

How to survive change is something that has intrigued me for a long time, especially when I was the one who initiated the change in the first place because I rarely experience it as I expect.

Actual changes in my external reality tend to be preceded - sometimes by months - by a number of subtle changes of perception where I begin to see or experience people and circumstances differently from the way I used to or it may be something as simple as recognising that something no longer works for me. This is not always something I welcome because it might be hugely inconvenient.

However, initially, these changes in perception tend to happen below the level of my awareness and it is likely to take me a while before I actually notice. Sometimes, the thought takes me unawares and I decide this is not something I want to even contemplate, certainly not right now.

How to survive change has usually been a challenge, especially when it's in my face. However, usually it's more subtle where I gradually become aware that I have changed; that I am no longer the person I used to be but I'm not entirely sure in what way I'm different. Partly as a result of this and partly because, although I may know what I no longer want but don't yet know what I do want instead, I will tend to cling to the current situation. That's because it feels safe and familiar. In fact, staying in the existing situation or relationship is familiar, though not necessarily safe. What keeps me stuck is the huge fear of letting go and the even greater fear of the unknown.

Up until relatively recently I would find it virtually impossible to handle this vacuum, this sense of not knowing and the sense of discomfort this would bring up in me. I would then try and fill it quickly with something, anything.

Over the years I have come to see that this vacuum is, in fact, the point where a new and unimagined vision can emerge. Not knowing means that anything is possible whereas certainty shuts down choice and limits opportunity.

It is often in this vacuum that a new image of how I want my life to be and feel gradually begins to emerge and, over time, that image becomes clearer and stronger until I have a sense of focus and direction.

It is only at that point that I can start investigating options, talking to people about what matters to me and what I'm experiencing.

I have found that when I tell the truth about what's going on with me that new possibilities and opportunities open up - things I hadn't considered before. I also notice that I begin to meet the right people at the right time and it rarely happens in a straightforward way. This usually comes about as a result of telling people about my dreams and longings - not with any particular outcome in mind; more like sharing what matters to me at this stage of my life and how I feel about it. I have also found that, sharing my dreams enables people to share their dreams with me, an exchange that is uplifting and rewarding in itself.

However, it would not be true to say that change, even when initiated by myself, is always a wonderful experience.

Letting go of the past, however unhappy, has tended to plunge me into feelings of grief. I'm thinking particularly when I left my marriage of 37 years which started a process that was painful and life enhancing at the same time.

The most recent change I have initiated involved leaving my job where I experienced a caring and supportive environment for over seven years in order to pursue my dream of life coaching, training and writing.

Despite the deep sense of clarity and purpose, leaving my job and my colleagues who have, at times, been like family to me, especially during difficult times, has also brought up a deep sadness in me at the loss of their companionship.

Initiating change, I am told, takes a lot of courage. People tend to paralyse themselves with thoughts of 'better the devil you know than the devil you don't' or 'jumping from the frying pan into the fire' or they might dress it up as being 'realistic' or 'responsible' but, to me, the price of staying in a situation that is, at best, unsatisfying or, at worst, painful is too high and I'm not prepared to pay it any longer. I have stayed put too many times in the past, mired in fear, loneliness, emptiness and, worst of all, resignation that this is all there was for me.

I have learned that hopelessness and impotence is no longer a game I'm prepared to play and I have found that, once I have finally taken the decision to go ahead, life comes together in wonderful and unexpected ways that propel me forward towards my dream.

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